When more than one person contacts me at a time, I honestly just want to break down and cry.
I am busy to the point where I don’t have much of a social life.
So when I do get some free time, I want to spend it alone.
Not committed to hanging out with other people.
So the more texts I get from the same people over and over and over again….
I want to blow my brains out.
This isn’t even normal.
If a friend says he/she wants to hang out, the normal reaction would be excitement.
But I am not excited.
Every time someone asks, “When are we going to hang out?” I die a little bit inside.
HOW ABOUT NEVER.
I do not want to make time for people because I barely get any time to myself.
Maybe that is selfish of me, but fuck it.
No one ever said you had to be my friend.
I’m shitty person.
That’s it.
Now go away.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m gay.
Last night, John, Jess, and I made a joke about how Mike probably has chlamydia.
Jess put this on my wall.
And Mike commented on it.
This is pretty much the best thing to ever happen.
I crack myself up.
Today was my first day of summer classes.
I met this boy. He asked me where I went to school because I apparently look familiar.
Then this girl overheard me say the high school that I went to and she goes, “Do you know Mike?”
I said, “Mike Bateman?”
And she got all excited and was like, “Yeah, him!”
I said, “Yes, actually. He used to be my best friend. Why? Do you like him?”
She said, “No, actually. My friend goes to school with him and she was interested in him.”
So I said, “Is your friend interested in getting chlamydia?”
The look on her face was priceless.
She said, “Oh dear. I’ll be sure to let her know about that.”
LOL.
I’m crying.
I’m a horrible, horrible person.
I’m going to hell and I don’t even care.
I’ve never gone out of my way to get revenge. I’ve always believed in never stooping that low.
But today the opportunity came along, and I just couldn’t help myself.
I don’t want any girl to go through the same things that I had to go through with him.
I am very uncomfortable with people touching me.
It’s not that I don’t want to.
It’s just that whenever I go to do something with someone, something always happens where my mind shuts it out.
It is that mental block I was talking about a few days ago.
It’s completely irrational.
I should be happy to touch someone and to be touched in return.
I never am.
I don’t think I’ve ever given a blowjob because I wanted to.
I’ve always felt pressured into it. And if the guy didn’t pressure me into it, I felt obligated to do something for him because he was taking time out of his day to show any interest in me.
I thought I had to do things for every guy who was “nice” to me.
I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone to just like me because I was the person I was.
It’s ridiculous and very unattractive.
My self-esteem was shot.
I am not like that anymore. I am actually the exact opposite now which is probably why everyone assumes I’m a lesbian.
I won’t just do things for guys who show interest in me.
But even when I am interested in the guy back, I still don’t do anything.
I am terrified of feeling anything with anyone at all.
I don’t even know why I’m like this.
I remember being in bed with the last boyfriend I had.
We were both in our underwear.
He kept trying to take my bra off and I didn’t want him to.
I don’t know why.
I am okay with my boobs.
It’s not that I am self-conscious about my body. It’s not so much that I’d care if he saw me.
I just don’t like feeling naked with someone else.
When I am naked, I feel vulnerable.
He took my bra off anyway and before I could freak out, he pulled me next to him and told me to close my eyes and go to sleep.
I didn’t go to sleep.
His arms stayed around me and I laid there quietly and freaked out inside my head.
But then I felt him breathing very quietly next to me. And he was warm.
And I realized that he was asleep.
And I started to feel better.
I’m not sure why.
I think it’s because I was naked with someone else and nothing bad happened.
He didn’t interrogate me about my cuts.
He didn’t try to rape me or anything.
Maybe that’s what my problem is.
Maybe I have an irrational fear of getting raped.
I don’t remember having this problem before I got molested.
I am thankful that even though I was close to getting raped, it didn’t actually happen and I was able to get away.
There was some physical damage but I wasn’t actually raped.
But now all I think about is how a guy might be acting nice to me (like the person who molested me was) and then turn around and do something horrible.
And I am worried that if I trust the guy, he is actually going to get away with it.
It’s the biggest mindfuck and it’s ruined all my relationships.
This is why none of my relationships work.
This is why guys don’t stay with me.
I have the most unattractive paranoia.
And I can’t even stop it.
